Infertility

Infertility freakin sucks. Bottom line- it is no good, not fun, and not something ANYONE should ever have to endure. Mentally and Physically it can kick your trash, while sending you on a never ending emotional roller coaster. Everyone around you gets pregnant, everyone around you has a baby, and everyone in your ward, neighborhood, or at work seems so happy with their perfect little families. Every month comes with heartache, every month you mourn something you feel like you will never have. You cry, and cry again. You pump your body with so many hormones, injections, pills- that it doesn't even feel like yourself- weight gain, mood swings, and pure crazy becomes a everyday battle. Your body is not your body, used for the better good and hope of conceiving- poked, pryed, discomfort, pain- sometimes viles and viles of blood. But its all worth it for the most righteous desire anyone could possible yearn for. A Baby.

I often think "When I get pregnant I am going to savor it more then normal women.." or " When I get pregnant no matter how sick I am I am going to be grateful I am pregant and will be GRATEFUL I am sick.." or " When I am a mom I am going to stay home..." or "When I am pregnant I am going to soak in EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND." But then you are sitting across from a Fertility Specialist- 3rd to be exact- and you hear the words- "You can't get pregnant on your own." or "Something is wrong with YOU." Seriously the most depressing things to hear after trying to have a baby for 4 years. All the sudden all those When I get pregnant ideas turn into "Will I EVER have a baby of my own?" "Will I ever be able to see Colton be the amazing Dad I KNOW he will be?" "Will I EVER be a Mom?"

Colton and I are very private people, and don't normally share these kind of things to the world- BUT it is our blog. A place where we document the happenings in our lives  to see how much we have grown spiritually and in life itself-and hopfully a place where we can see our family grow over time.. There is more than just Colton and I who have invested alot of time and grief over our situation- so this is for family members and dear friends who have been on this roller coaster ride with us to come and get updates on our process. Hopefully by telling our story it can be used for good- and help comfort someone in a similar situation. So here is our story of Infertility in a nutshell (I will spare you the gory details) ;).

Before Colton and I got married we always knew we would want to kids sooner than later. It was something we both felt was right- and wanting a good size family we would need the time to make it possible. We were married in October of 2011, and I took my birth control out in November- yes I was only on it for two months (from September- October) so in December we began a journey we never would have imagined we would still be on.... About a year later we were getting worried so we started going to the doctor in my OB's clinic that specialized in fertility. Tests were run, and boom I was put on Chlomid.  9 Months later on the highest dosage you could do there was still no sign of conception. After a much needed 3 month break to clear my body of any left over meds. After trying other meds while taking month break intervals in between we decided that it was time to move on to a fertility specialist. So we met with Dr. Swelstad in Layton. He then put me on Femera- a drug similiar to Chlomid- and suggested we do Intrauterine Insemination. This is when they collect the sperm, wash it down- give it something that makes it happy and moving fast- and then they inject it into my cervix. Afterwards you have to lie there for about 10 minutes, and then you go about your day as if nothing happened. For the majority of people it is a 10 minutes procedure- but for us it never was easy peasy. It was always painful- and took longer than 30 minutes. After the first 3 IUI's failed he then suggested having us do injections on the next ones.

3 more IUI's later- with injections and Femera we were still looking at a not pregnant on a pregnancy test. I hate those things- not even kidding haha. Fast Forward to today- we are now seeing ANOTHER Doctor in Pleasant Grove UT at the Utah Fertility clinic (Dr. Foulk). After 3 years of being "Unexplained" we have learned (even after a passed ink test/HSG) that something is wrong with my tubes. In the doctors words its a plumbing issue on my part- so the only thing that can get us a baby is IVF- And are now set up to begin in September. The doctor was VERY confident this will get us a baby- not gonna lie I am absolutely TERRIFIED. Having a doctor tell me I am not normal- and something is wrong with me makes it so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and then I am reminded we are not alone.

Everyday we ask ourselves, "Okay what are we supposed to be learning from this trial?" And everyday I am surprised it is something new. Starting this post in the most brutally honest way must come across so negative- but that is not my point at all. That is literally what Colton and I live EVERY DAY. While it is negative- it is a daily reminder that I can call on the comfort of the Holy Ghost whenever I need to- and that my Heavenly Father knows EXACTLY what he is doing with Colton and I. For some reason we chose this trial- and as much as I HATE going through this I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our marriage has never been stronger, and I have never appreciated Colton more than I do now seeing him have to deal with Jennazilla on a daily basis. I am so grateful for how hard he works- so we can try to have a family. Most importantly I am so grateful for he example of service, and fulfilling his church callings despite life. He is my best friend-and he has seen me at my worst- and still loves me which is mind blowing.

It really has been such a humbling few years. I have grown empathy for so many different people- and realize what is important in life. Life is not about stuff. It isn't about how high up a corporate ladder you can climb, or what kind of car you drive. Life is about love- and being grateful for what you do have no matter the situation. Life is about family- and being sealed to them for eternity. I am SO grateful for the temple- and find myself spending alot of time there just so I can feel peace again. I am amazed at the compassion, and love I feel from family and friends- and in alot of cases complete strangers. There really ARE good people in this world- I hope one day I can be one of those... I think the hardest thing I have had to learn is that people cant stop living their lives because of another's circumstances. In both Colton and my families we have gained 5 new grandbabies in a 7 month period. While we are thrilled to have all these sweet spirits joining our families it has been so hard on us. My Big Sister lives two blocks away- so naturally I spend ALOT of time with her and her kiddos. Let me tell you it was not easy seeing her grow every day- with a pregnant glow- but I am so grateful I got to live through her, in a sense, with pregnancy. She invited me into the delivery room and it was one of the most special days of my life. I grew such a respect for all my sisters/sister in laws that had or are having babies.

So there are many silver linings to any sad, or bad situation. We have had many prayers and fasts on our behalf- and we are so incredibly grateful for each and every one. From these we have seen the blessings and felt the love above all else. Never in our wildest dreams did we think we would EVER be able to do IVF- and here we are starting our meds this week (August)- and starting the September cycle. We are SO SO blessed and excited to start this next chapter in our battle with infertility! Fingers crossed it has a good result!! As this is our first official post on our infertility I feel it is only right to document the rest of our journey for us to look back on and for any family and friends who have been through these last few years with us. Updates will come soon!! Our hearts are full and we are READY! IVF Here we come!!!!